Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Sarah Palin Saves Confederate Flag From Liberals

Freedom!
Columbia, South Carolina Sarah Palin and her band band of Freedomeers rode into the capitol of South Carolina under the cover of broad daylight, and stole the Confederate flag that flew on top of the state capitol building.

Onlookers were amazed as Ms Palin trotted down Main Street on her horse Mickey at 2 o'clock this afternoon. She was at the front of approximately one hundred followers. Some rode on motorcycles. Others drove beat up pickup trucks with vanity plates that featured members of the Duck Dynasty marketing empire. All involved wore special t shirts specially made for the occasion that read Liberating Freedom 2015! in the front and on the back had Official Freedomeer! emblazoned with the Confederate flag.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Forget About Deflate Gate -- Tom Brady Wins Mayweather-Pacquiao Rematch


Tom Brady has officially been called as the winner of the Mayweather-Pacquiao rematch. The rematch between Floyd Mayweather, winner of the first fight, and Manny Pacquiao will end in the fifth round with the quarterback of the New England Patriots officially called the victor.

Floyd Mayweather was the first to notice that there was a possibility of some wrongdoing. "It wasn't until I was leaving the stadium when I first thought that there was something wrong," stated Mr. Mayweather.

Reports from boxing officials state that there were a few discrepancies discovered in between the first and second rounds of the fight, which were rectified immediately. "You could see how Brady could've gotten an edge in that first round of the Mayweather-Pacquiao rematch, but from the second round to the end of the fight that was classic Brady," stated Boxing Commissioner, Bill Belichick.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Koch Brothers Accuse Bernie Sanders Of Being A Puppet To BIG Maple


Behind that smile is a heart corrupted
by maple syrup.

Andrew Kannard, official spokesperson for the Koch Industries Incorporated Action Committee (KochPAC), called a news conference where Vermont Senator and Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders was accused of being a pawn of the maple syrup industry.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Kim Kardashian Finally Understands That Armenia and Armani Are Two Different Things


Kim schools the Armenian government in fashion.
It's been a week of international mystery for Kim Kardashian as she has struggled with the harsh fact that Armenia, the country, and Armani, the Italian fashion house, are not the same thing.

"She had a major problem with Australia and Austria for a long long time," disclosed an anonymous Kardashian. "I'm just waiting to see how long it takes Kimmy takes to figure out Georgia, the country, and Georgia, the US state, are two totally different places."

Friday, January 30, 2015

Suge Knight Opens Academy Of Etiquette And Charm


I'm passionate about
spreading the message
of grace and class to the world.
- Suge Knight
Compton, California Marion "Suge" Knight, one time CEO of Death Row Records, has opened the Suge Knight's Academy of Etiquette and Charm in his hometown of Compton, California. The school seeks to address the disturbing trend towards incivility, lack of grace, and a general sense of poor manners. The Academy is designed to properly train people from a myriad of backgrounds that include, but certainly not limited to, professionals, children, and elite housewives.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Sarah Palin Allies Support Sarah By Standing On Their Pets


Dogs are shocked by the recent
turn of events.  
The Friends of Sarah Palin (FSP), a new organization composed of fans of the once Governor of Alaska, are supporting their gal in her darkest hour by organizing stand-ins across America. These stand-ins are in response to the liberal media's shameful critique of her son being cruel to the family dog by standing on it as shown on Ms. Palin's Instagram account.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Seventh Grade Science Teacher Anthony Genovese Will Sign 72 Million Dollar Contract Deal With Boston Schools


High hopes in Boston for another
season of academic domination
in their division.
The Boston School System has reached an agreement with Bridgewater State University's new graduate, Anthony Genovese on a 7 year 72 million dollar contract that will take effect next September.

The deal set a new record in hiring highly motivated and qualified science teachers far surpassing the 58 million dollar contract made with U-Mass graduate Harvey Smith.