Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Kim Kardashian Finally Understands That Armenia and Armani Are Two Different Things

Kim schools the Armenian government in fashion.
It's been a week of international mystery for Kim Kardashian as she has struggled with the harsh fact that Armenia, the country, and Armani, the Italian fashion house, are not the same thing.

"She had a major problem with Australia and Austria for a long long time," disclosed an anonymous Kardashian. "I'm just waiting to see how long it takes Kimmy takes to figure out Georgia, the country, and Georgia, the US state, are two totally different places."

Friday, January 30, 2015

Suge Knight Opens Academy Of Etiquette And Charm

I'm passionate about
spreading the message
of grace and class to the world.
- Suge Knight
Compton, California Marion "Suge" Knight, one time CEO of Death Row Records, has opened the Suge Knight's Academy of Etiquette and Charm in his hometown of Compton, California. The school seeks to address the disturbing trend towards incivility, lack of grace, and a general sense of poor manners. The Academy is designed to properly train people from a myriad of backgrounds that include, but certainly not limited to, professionals, children, and elite housewives.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Sarah Palin Allies Support Sarah By Standing On Their Pets

Dogs are shocked by the recent
turn of events.  
The Friends of Sarah Palin (FSP), a new organization composed of fans of the once Governor of Alaska, are supporting their gal in her darkest hour by organizing stand-ins across America. These stand-ins are in response to the liberal media's shameful critique of her son being cruel to the family dog by standing on it as shown on Ms. Palin's Instagram account.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Seventh Grade Science Teacher Anthony Genovese Will Sign 72 Million Dollar Contract Deal With Boston Schools

High hopes in Boston for another
season of academic domination
in their division.
The Boston School System has reached an agreement with Bridgewater State University's new graduate, Anthony Genovese on a 7 year 72 million dollar contract that will take effect next September.

The deal set a new record in hiring highly motivated and qualified science teachers far surpassing the 58 million dollar contract made with U-Mass graduate Harvey Smith.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Housing Prices to Drop, and Americans Choose to be Nomads

While the housing market appears to be improving along with the overall American economy, RUIN (Realty Universal Insolvency Network), a Washington think tank, announced that home prices are set to tumble next year.  With the Federal Reserve due to raise interest rates, and the ensuing bursting of the stock market bubble there is sure to be a collapse in the "frothy" real estate market. Upon hearing this news scores of would-be homeowners as well as current owners of condos, townhouses, and stand alone homes have opted for a nomadic lifestyle.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Vladmir Putin - Hello Kitty Superfan

President Putin's official photograph
for the Hello Kitty Fan Club.

Moscow, Russia In what maybe the strangest attempt for any public figure to soften his or her public image, Vladmir Putin, the President of the Russian Federation, has announced to the world the he is Hello Kitty's biggest superfan.

Anonymous sources deep in the Russian government stated that President Putin has been concerned about
Hello Kitty in happier times.
his image for some time. While the authoritarian leader in the past loved to have himself photographed shirtless while wrestling the Giant Carnivorous Mink indigenous to Siberia, he is getting on in years and the time for taking his shirt off in public is long gone. "The man is 62 years old and unless you are Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger hitting the gym constantly a man that age should keep his torso covered," stated a senior Kremlin official.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Matt Damon Reveals Spoilers In Upcoming 'Justice League' Movie

Matt is getting ready for his big aquatic role by
training with US Navy SEALS.

Matt Damon has broken his silence about the new Justice League movie that is being directed by Zach Snyder, and slated to hit theaters in 2017. It is official: Matt will be playing Aquaman, the superhero of the Seven Seas and Lord of the Oceans. While discussing his upcoming role as one of the original founders of the Justice League, Matt had this to say,
Of course it's an honor to play one of the most versatile and well known super heroes. 71% of our planet's surface is covered by water. How long can Batman stay in his bat-submersible? Not too long. What I really like about the script is that Aquaman gets his own story line with a major plot twist.  
Aquaman's secret identity is SpongeBob SqarePants.