Sunday, May 10, 2015

Forget About Deflate Gate -- Tom Brady Wins Mayweather-Pacquiao Rematch

Tom Brady has officially been called as the winner of the Mayweather-Pacquiao rematch. The rematch between Floyd Mayweather, winner of the first fight, and Manny Pacquiao will end in the fifth round with the quarterback of the New England Patriots officially called the victor.

Floyd Mayweather was the first to notice that there was a possibility of some wrongdoing. "It wasn't until I was leaving the stadium when I first thought that there was something wrong," stated Mr. Mayweather.

Reports from boxing officials state that there were a few discrepancies discovered in between the first and second rounds of the fight, which were rectified immediately. "You could see how Brady could've gotten an edge in that first round of the Mayweather-Pacquiao rematch, but from the second round to the end of the fight that was classic Brady," stated Boxing Commissioner, Bill Belichick.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Koch Brothers Accuse Bernie Sanders Of Being A Puppet To BIG Maple

Behind that smile is a heart corrupted
by maple syrup.

Andrew Kannard, official spokesperson for the Koch Industries Incorporated Action Committee (KochPAC), called a news conference where Vermont Senator and Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders was accused of being a pawn of the maple syrup industry.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Kim Kardashian Finally Understands That Armenia and Armani Are Two Different Things

Kim schools the Armenian government in fashion.
It's been a week of international mystery for Kim Kardashian as she has struggled with the harsh fact that Armenia, the country, and Armani, the Italian fashion house, are not the same thing.

"She had a major problem with Australia and Austria for a long long time," disclosed an anonymous Kardashian. "I'm just waiting to see how long it takes Kimmy takes to figure out Georgia, the country, and Georgia, the US state, are two totally different places."

Friday, January 30, 2015

Suge Knight Opens Academy Of Etiquette And Charm

I'm passionate about
spreading the message
of grace and class to the world.
- Suge Knight
Compton, California Marion "Suge" Knight, one time CEO of Death Row Records, has opened the Suge Knight's Academy of Etiquette and Charm in his hometown of Compton, California. The school seeks to address the disturbing trend towards incivility, lack of grace, and a general sense of poor manners. The Academy is designed to properly train people from a myriad of backgrounds that include, but certainly not limited to, professionals, children, and elite housewives.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Sarah Palin Allies Support Sarah By Standing On Their Pets

Dogs are shocked by the recent
turn of events.  
The Friends of Sarah Palin (FSP), a new organization composed of fans of the once Governor of Alaska, are supporting their gal in her darkest hour by organizing stand-ins across America. These stand-ins are in response to the liberal media's shameful critique of her son being cruel to the family dog by standing on it as shown on Ms. Palin's Instagram account.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Seventh Grade Science Teacher Anthony Genovese Will Sign 72 Million Dollar Contract Deal With Boston Schools

High hopes in Boston for another
season of academic domination
in their division.
The Boston School System has reached an agreement with Bridgewater State University's new graduate, Anthony Genovese on a 7 year 72 million dollar contract that will take effect next September.

The deal set a new record in hiring highly motivated and qualified science teachers far surpassing the 58 million dollar contract made with U-Mass graduate Harvey Smith.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Housing Prices to Drop, and Americans Choose to be Nomads

While the housing market appears to be improving along with the overall American economy, RUIN (Realty Universal Insolvency Network), a Washington think tank, announced that home prices are set to tumble next year.  With the Federal Reserve due to raise interest rates, and the ensuing bursting of the stock market bubble there is sure to be a collapse in the "frothy" real estate market. Upon hearing this news scores of would-be homeowners as well as current owners of condos, townhouses, and stand alone homes have opted for a nomadic lifestyle.