Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Pope Announces New Entrance Policy to Heaven!

Vatican City - Pope Benedict XVI stunned the world today by revealing a recent divine revelation: Everyone can go to heaven except for homosexuals. The Pope states that the Holy Spirit approached him during an engaging round of spin the bottle with Italy's Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, and several underage prostitutes that are in Silvio's retinue. (The Pope officially stated that he did not actively participate in the game because the girls were too old and the wrong gender.) The Spirit had  great news that heaven is open to everyone.
Muslims, Hindus, Zoroastrians,  and yes, even the Jews are now allowed in. But why the sudden change? There seems to have been a minor communication problem between the God the Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and their staff. During a recent review of divine policy by the angels a word was found to have been mistranslated from the Trinitarian script (used exclusively by the Trinity when dealing with peons). The word originally was translated as everyone.

Everyone deserves to burn in Hell for eternity.

The correct translation is.

No one deserves to burn in Hell for eternity. 

The Holy Spirit apologizes for any confusion on this matter. Starting today the policy has been corrected for the recently deceased and future souls. However, past souls are not grandfathered in. That would imply that God may have been wrong and since He is perfect souls already in Hell will just have to stay there. God, being a gracious God, is sending a fruit basket to those in Hades as an apology. 

The Pope, upon hearing this news from the Holy Spirit, argued forcefully that homosexuals do not count as human beings. The term  No one refers only to human beings and thusly does not apply to gays. This would not alter the policy, per se. God is still perfect and gays burn in Hell forever, a win-win situation. The Holy Spirit, seeing the flawless logic, agreed immediately.

On his way out the Holy Spirit wanted be clear about one specific group: atheists. They too can enter heaven.

As long as they worship the little baby Jesus.