Monday, April 4, 2011

Norman Fink Is The Republican Nominee For President!

The Republican Party has officially declared Norman Fink as their 2012 Presidential Nominee. The press release today announced that Mr Fink, age fifty five and currently employed at Fox News as the Executive Men's Room Attendant, is so qualified that all the other candidates have bowed out and the primaries scrapped.

The Newest Newsy News caught up with nominee Fink in his recently bought 8 bedroom house for a quick interview.

TNNN: Nominee Fink, America wants to know what is the secret to your success?

Mr Fink pulled out a Gurkha Black Dragon cigar and had his man servant Oddjob light it. He inhaled deeply and was lost in thought.

Fink: Well, I've been workin' at Fox for a number of years and bein' a bathroom attendant is a good job for someone with a third grade edumucation. But I found the best learnin is done outta school and I might as well have a PhD in the Republican Party.

TNNN: Do tell.

Fink: I learned that tappity-tap-tap is a signal for bears only from Larry Craig. Of course, he didn't tell me directly, but I guessed it after he turned away several of Fox News' smaller staffers from his stall.

TNNN: Um... what about domestic policy?

Fink: I know a lot about strategy from my years workin' in the toilette. My campaign is gonna focus on: God, Guns, and Government - namely,  if you got God and guns you don't need no government!

TNNN: And international policy?

Fink: Who's that fella that's burning the Koran? Pastor Terry Jones? I like the cut of that man's jib. I see him as my envoy to the UN. I want him to be the next John Bolton. Hell, they both got crazy moustaches. That's gotta be a sign!

TNNN: Why have the other Republican candidates bowed out?

Fink: I don't really know. I sent them all copies of a draft for my memoir: What Happens in the Bowels of Fox News and they just decided to quit. Of course, I've got a few copies hidden away in safety deposit boxes with instructions if anythin' happens to me those documents will go public.

TNNN: Thank you for your time.

Fink: Sure, I'll invite you to come again when I nominate myself to be on the Supreme Court. I'll be the first Commander and Chief to walk around in one of those comfortable robes!