The Newest Newsy News caught up with nominee Fink in his recently bought 8 bedroom house for a quick interview.
TNNN: Nominee Fink, America wants to know what is the secret to your success?
Mr Fink pulled out a Gurkha Black Dragon cigar and had his man servant Oddjob light it. He inhaled deeply and was lost in thought.
Fink: Well, I've been workin' at Fox for a number of years and bein' a bathroom attendant is a good job for someone with a third grade edumucation. But I found the best learnin is done outta school and I might as well have a PhD in the Republican Party.
TNNN: Do tell.
Fink: I learned that tappity-tap-tap is a signal for bears only from Larry Craig. Of course, he didn't tell me directly, but I guessed it after he turned away several of Fox News' smaller staffers from his stall.
TNNN: Um... what about domestic policy?
Fink: I know a lot about strategy from my years workin' in the toilette. My campaign is gonna focus on: God, Guns, and Government - namely, if you got God and guns you don't need no government!
TNNN: And international policy?
Fink: Who's that fella that's burning the Koran? Pastor Terry Jones? I like the cut of that man's jib. I see him as my envoy to the UN. I want him to be the next John Bolton. Hell, they both got crazy moustaches. That's gotta be a sign!
TNNN: Why have the other Republican candidates bowed out?
Fink: I don't really know. I sent them all copies of a draft for my memoir: What Happens in the Bowels of Fox News and they just decided to quit. Of course, I've got a few copies hidden away in safety deposit boxes with instructions if anythin' happens to me those documents will go public.
TNNN: Thank you for your time.
Fink: Sure, I'll invite you to come again when I nominate myself to be on the Supreme Court. I'll be the first Commander and Chief to walk around in one of those comfortable robes!