Saturday, November 19, 2011

Babies are afraid, very afraid.

Help! I had no idea the outside was
going to be this bad. 
Atlanta, Georgia - A group of analysts at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have discovered a disturbing trend: Although the number of babies born in the United States is decreasing, the number of pregnancies are increasing. A closer look at the statistics point to the fact that babies are remaining in the uterus for a longer period of time. The average American baby is now effectively squatting in mom for an extra 3 weeks according to the report. Also, when the babies do eventually arrive labor is extended by an average of 7-9 hours.Why? Scientists have found that babies are simply afraid to leave the safety of mom's womb.

This baby has never been
exposed to Jersey Shore.
 The analysts at the CDC have noted that not all American women are having longer pregnancies and labor, however. Moms who have been exposed to the Keeping up with the Kardashians show, marital problems of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and other celebrity drama have babies that are simply not interested in venturing into the outside world. It is guessed that just as the babies are able to listen to mom read them stories and listen to Mozart while still in the womb, they are effected by the daily onslaught of reality shows and celebrity gossip.

Michael Strom, Executive Vice-President of E! Television, has come out strongly against the findings.
I personally as well as professionally find the conclusions to the data an insult to everything American. Look, those so-called government paid scientists are only trying to scare you into doing something that  is a complete waste of time, like taking a walk or watching public television.
Regardless of Mr Strom's rant, moms wishing to save themselves an extra few weeks of caring junior around and hours of painful labor simply need to shut off E! television, reality shows in general and any other celebrity centered media.

*This story is 100% fake